Baby of Mine

Please Know that I am sharing thoughts and feelings in as much order as I can Remember...I am tired and just write what I am thinking...I am sure I have run on sentences etc.

August 13th
Today I took my kiddos to a back to school party at our dear friends home. I was feeling GREAT. Just a few weeks before this party...I had been getting back to school shopping done for my Kids, Ric was in the middle of transitioning his business in such a big way. I guess you can say small way...he downsized and is happy for it too!!! I knew that Ric's feelings on having another child were so opposite of mine...and I mean POLAR opposite. After a year or two of just hinting and discussing with him about #4...he almost cried. I told him in late July he had my blessing to get "snipped". I say I felt at Peace...I now think that Peace was to see less stress in his face and on his shoulders. I love my 3 kiddos and decided instead of focusing on having one more...I would focus more on them.

However Heavenly Father showed us who was in charge. Much to my surprise on that 13th day of August I realized I was 5 days late(Thanks to My sis who insisted I get a Preg test)!!! But I was cramping like none other and back pains to go with it I thought no...I am just late. Of course I was put on this earth to learn Patience...I DO NOT HAVE MUCH OF IT!!! So off I went to buy a test. Ric had the kids with him for a daddy date.

Came home took the test and lo and behold...2 of the brightest lines ever!!! I was Pregnant!!!

So as cheesy as I am I wrapped a pink frilly ribbon around the pee test (gross I know) and put it in a envelope that read "God Gives us Blessings when we least expect it". Ric and I were both freaked out that evening!! I might add..Ric was more upset...and I felt like the Wife in the Movie "Parenthood". I told him that we cant change it. Ric said this is definitely a sign that he is not in Charge and Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I was stressed...excited but stressed!!! Could I really have a 4th child...would I be a good mom, we didn't have Pregnancy Insurance!!!

I asked Ric to please not tell anyone...as I wanted to wait until I was further along. Normally I might not care. However...2 weeks before, I was with my sister the day she found out her baby had passed at 21 weeks! I was with her and held her hand as she cried and I cried with her. I walked with her to the Ultra Sound office where they confirmed that sweet baby girls passing...again we cried and held hands. So I was nervous about it.

My sweet husband though...cannot keep things to himself for long...he was telling people...so I started telling people...later in August. I still asked him not to tell people...he said to me in a firm way "Can you let me have this Happiness to share...it is such great news!?". For the man that didn't want a 4th child...he was hoping for TWINS!!! He was more excited than I had ever seen him!!!

Like Clock work...My nausea had hit me at 6 weeks!!! Complete Nausea all day for a few weeks. Then It would taper off in mornings and hit hard at night. I complained about it...But My awesome OBGYN who had tended to me with my first 3 pregnancies and delivered them always said Nausea is a sign of a healthy pregnancy. So I held on to that info and felt better even while Nauseated. I was still thinking about my sister and my sweet niece that left this world too soon.

MONEY
So...much to our delight we discovered that paying cash for a birth and all that goes with it...was cheaper than having had payed for Pregnancy Insurance for the past 2 years!!! We had our first appt With Dr. Decker (Best DR. in the World) He was so thrilled!! So we made an appt for 4 weeks from that day...we would get to hear the baby's Heart beat...making it all the more exciting and REAL (as if Nausea and Varicose veins weren't real enough).

The weeks to our next Appointment went by fast until the week before of course. We counted down the days. At Anchors Baptism the Sat before the Dr.s appt, My sisters even commented on my "little Baby bump". When you are pregnant...that bump is something to be proud of when people notice you are preggo and not just gaining weight!!!! Sunday we were so excited...I felt ok telling people...after all I was 11 weeks and 1 day...still nauseated and headaches too!!

Monday Sept 26th 2011
Awoke to anchor my 8 yr old saying he had an upset stomach (anxiety over school this year). Ric and I agreed he could stay home. I couldn't remember the appt time and when I finally found that it was at 9 am...I had NO time to ask someone to watch Anchor and Kingsley for me. So off we went. Excited as can be!! Anchor was pretty happy too...he was remembering being with us when we found out that Kingsley was a girl! He was EXCITED!!!

We arrived at the Dr.s, He was running behind a little. We go back to the room finally...cracking jokes, a little nervously excited. Dr. Decker comes in...Big smile as usual. He puts the cold gel on my belly and the the little device that we can hear the babies heartbeat. I couldn't wait to call my best friend Melissa to tell her the BPM...every pregnancy...I knew if it was a boy or girl based on the BPM. And I always forgot if boys hearts were faster or girls...Melissa always remembered...so she would get a call as soon as we were done!!! Waiting...nervously...Nothing....more moving of the device...nothing. My heart stopped I think. Panic started inside. I glanced at Ric...he said...its ok stace. Dr Decker asked If I had a full bladder...I did indeed. He told me to empty it and come back in. I was hopeful...but not convinced that was the problem. Here I was Laying on the same table/bed that my sister layed on when Dr. Decker couldn't find her baby's heart beat. I could not help but have those memories flood my head and heart. He came back in...searched for what seemed like 5 more minutes and NOTHING! He seemed heartbroken..and said..Maybe we are off by a couple weeks. He called to Ultrasound and told them I was coming over. We went over, waited in the lobby with happy pregnant people. They took us first. We went back...they started...Anchor was so excited...he was talking a lot...I had to tell him to not talk. He kept saying things "Mom I see Twins", " I see the Head Mom". I had to tell him to be quiet...as I felt something was wrong. They measured the amniotic sac first...then they looked at my ovaries (odd and have never had that happen before) Then they measured my sweet baby's head and body from crown to rump...the little body was perfect...They let me know that she/he measured at 10 1/2 weeks and the dark spot on the chest is where I should see the heart beating ever so fast...and it was not. What a perfect little body...I was 11 weeks and 2 days. The baby measured at 10 1/2 weeks. I was still having morning sickness!!?? The Dr and Nurse both apologized. We started for the lobby. Ric turned and kissed me and said he was so sorry. I started to cry uncontrollably. We had separate cars. I told him to take the two kids...as I had to go back to Dr. Deckers. The Ultra Sound Dr. Had me go to a room where I could have Privacy (cry) and escape out a back door. I did just that. Utter shock and disbelief...just 2 months ago I was in that very same room with my sister as she found out she lost her baby all too soon.

HEARTACHE

On the Tuesday following that sad new...I had a surgery to "have" the baby. I was sore for the first week as if I had , had the baby. Insult to injury.

People say things like..."well at least you were not that far along", or "The baby would have had something wrong with it...that is why the baby died". I know these things. I was 11 weeks 2 days...This baby was considered a fetus, had a umbilical cord, looked very much like a baby, had a water sac, placenta, had eyes, its organs and could move its teeny tiny limbs. I was already planning on the next year of our lives if not the rest of our lives. I was already imagining holding and nursing a new sweet baby. To tell you the Truth...I love the whole Birthing experience...I don't mind getting up every two hours to feed a baby. I love all of that. I don't even mind changing a baby's diapers!! (Toddler is another story) Aliitle part of my heart is with that sweet baby.

I am sad at what might have been. My boys are sad. They couldn't wait to make the baby smile and laugh. They ask me if we can have another baby. From the time we found out about this baby I told them that Heavenly Father sent this baby to us. They think he should send us another since he took this one early.

I hurt because I do want another baby. Ric does not. Maybe we will change our minds. It made my heart happy when Ric told another friend after he apologized for our loss...Ric said.."Thank heavens for the Gospel and that we will get to see and raise this baby in the next life". Sweet assurance. I do know that I have a loving Father in Heaven. I know that as much as he gives...he too takes away. I know that he Gives Freely if we ask. I trust his plan. I know he comforts me when I ask for comfort.
I was so excited that we were having a surprise baby # 4. I will always remember. I will also love the 3 beautiful children I do have and not take them for granted. I will be more in tune and sensitive to those that miscarry a child. Although I didn't get to hold this sweet baby in my arms...I loved him/her from the start...maybe scared...but loved this being! How miraculous that we can create a human being and carry it in our bodies. What a gift that women have and should not take for granted.

THANKFUL

I thank my Family and Friends who have been here for me and my family and who have helped in any way they could...even a phone call or text. It all matters.

It is getting easier to see pregnant people and little babies. Time heals and so does My Faith. I am the same person but a changed person too. Til we meet again Baby Erickson. Loves.